Thursday, October 4, 2007

I had a good title for this....

But that was before I was fully awake, I think.

Right now I think we may be past the hump of all the things that start up at this time of the year.

Although we homeschool all the time, we do a lot less of the scheduled classes and outings in the summer and that makes for quite a change to get used too.

Where are all the words that I had for this post?
Honest they were right there just a few seconds ago...maybe they are with the library book I can't find. At least they are not going to cost ten cents a day.

Ooops, hang on a minute...I think I was going to divide what I was going to say into different categories and then post them separately over the next days to make it look like I was being a thoughtful and industrious sort.

Yeah, maybe I will try that:

Workaholism.
Right now we are in the calm after the binge.
Sounds weird doesn't it. My referring to that kind of thing as a binge.
Having lived with my Dad, the raging alcolholic, I think it is a reasonable description.

See, my husband, the lovely and lovable Cabana Boy, has been trained up since he was a wee lad to believe that,
a) he just didn't work hard enough
and
b) any success he had, didn't count, because he didn't work hard enough for it.

My husband has an interest in mathematics and science, so if you don't understand how his mind works, you might think that of thing comes to him easily, that he doesn't have to put any effort into it.

That is what my father in law believed and he made sure that Cabana Boy knew it.

In grade school Cabana Boy brought home a math test with a mark of 96%. His father looked at it, then at him, and demanded to know what had happened to the "other" 4%.

Cabana Boy's older brother was often held up as being "more respectable" because he actually had to work for his marks.

His younger brother was given a 6 week trip to Europe (with his girlfriend) as a congraluatory gift for finishing his first and only degree.

When I met Cabana Boy, he was a graduate student in engineering, he kept a sleeping bag and toiletries at the University because he often slept there overnight while working on his research.

This was a warning sign.

Shortly after we were married he began to move rapidly up the ranks of the company he was in.

Then the travel started.
Frequent business trips.
Working later, starting earlier.
The laptop coming home and being used in the evenings for work.
Then the cel phone.
Now it is a cel phone with web and email access.

Me?
As I watched him pull away, (because there is no way to work that hard without taking the time and energy away from other things, and I was the other things)...
I tried to adjust to it, understand it, talk about it and to be reasonable about it.
That worked about as well as the being unreasonable about it - crying, yelling, threatening, raging and withdrawing.

And if it has always been only one way, then we would never would have lasted as long as we have.

I don't think he could have lasted as long either.
The saying "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" could be amended to say that "All work and no play makes C.B. a stressed out boy with heart palpitations, tension racked body and exhaustion."

The times in between the binges are good.
Really good.

But I would like us break free of that cycle.

And maybe we are.

Or, rather he is.

Because just like the working so much isn't about me, the not working so much isn't about me either.

He sees that there is a problem.
He has called himself a workaholic, publicly.
He is trying to makes some changes.

I'm not kidding myself.

But I am looking (tentatively) forward to a possibly different future with a happier, more relaxed spouse (maybe).


No, this picture is not meant to represent the state of my marriage - this is what our garage looked like on Friday.
Don't worry, not a tornado or freak accident - just a rotting, sunken building that had to be pulled down before it fell down.

Hopefully I will be able to post pictures of a new garage before the spring..

7 comments:

Yondalla said...

Is there an "anon" for spouses of workaholics?

There should be...

I hope he finds peace.

You too, of course.

M&Co. said...

The picture disappeared!

Bacchus said...

lots of good thoughts your way. I agree with Yondalla there should be an anon for workaholics. We don't go through that often here, it is more with project deadlines but it is incredibly hard to live through.

poor garage!

Granny said...

Best wishes.

Yondalla and I agree about the "anon".

hw said...

I think much has to be said for the people who support us workaholics. I can't imagine always being the other or relegated to the side is easy. It really must suck, actually.

Granny said...

I almost forgot.

Happy Thanksgiving.

ipm said...

mistreatment comes in all shapes and sizes... it cam hit you like a hammer or be as subtle as a slight breeze...

I too dislike it terribly when my rather witty title disappears into te fog that is my brain... :)))