Currently, if my youngest son even looks at me sideways I want to yell at him and unfortunately that is exactly what I end up doing.
I am not proud of it, nor do I imagine even remotely it is all his fault but for the love of pete whatever is going on with him and or me, I hope it ends soon.
It is really stupid stuff that is setting me off.
Really stupid, but also repetitive.
I wish I could figure out if it really is him or it really is me.
It could be me.
There could be some hot button hidden under the layers of time and trauma that he keeps unintentionally or intentionally tripping.
Or maybe I am doing the same to him.
Or maybe, the dim light slowly grows in my brain, he is in reaction to me going away in a few weeks and this is how he is expressing it.
Gimme a capital D.
Gimme a capital U.
Gimme a capital H.
Argh. I make myself crazy being so slow on the uptake with this stuff.
Heck his sister already gave me the technocolour heads up that this was a problem and yet did it occur to me before I go off into my own personal display of fireworks that this might be the root of his ~unbelieveably~ irritating, slack jawed, blank eyed, responsibility dodging responses to everything I say to him?
No.
He also has black circles under his eyes, which probably means he hasn't been sleeping properly - not something he will tell me until I grill him about it.
The hardest, single, damn thing I have found about parenting is just not being able to figure out what is going on - especially when they won't or can't tell me.
The funny thing, is that I am hiding up in my room, writing this instead of eating my lunch because I couldn't trust myself in his presence for even another second - he is too good at pushing my buttons.
You want to make me crazy when I am your Mom?
Faster than anything else on earth?
Wilfully deny that you are hungry and refuse to eat the food I have just made an effort to put on the table.
That shows me!
No, really it does.
I have some minor issues about food and it works every single time to get a rise out of me.
Where is that stupid book?
What book?
Oh the one I spent a half an hour reviewing in my bath this morning, nodding and making mental notes on how to handle issues with my kids,
How to talk to kids so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, that's it.
Oh well.
At least I did some of it right.
All "I feel..." sentances and no belittling of the child.
Well, not much.
Now, must forgive myself my failings, hold my head up and go make things as right as possible and um, eat, oh yeah, that too.
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These were my stories about my bigger family but now they are just about ME.
2 comments:
One of my favorite books.
Knowing that they are triggering us is only a little bit helpful, isn't it?
Evan was a major trigger for me, as you know. It wasn't his fault and he wasn't doing it on purpose (though some kids do find your buttons and use them deliberately), but it was there in a big way.
Is there anything that will make them feel safer about you going away? Do you have a cell phone they can call whenever they want? Are they comforted by taking one of your things hostage, knowing you will come back for that at least?
Remember too that seeing you "lose it" and then deal with the fallout of your outburst properly is also important. They learn as much when you make mistakes and they do when you don't. :)
Good luck - parenting someone who is pushing your buttons (deliberately or not) sounds very difficult.
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