Easy, ask the kid for the answer.
It took a while till I was able to trust myself to talk to my youngest child about her getting up and partying in the middle of the night in her brother's room - but when I did it was very worth it.
She said:
"during the day I am focused and busy and I can not think about my birth family and sad/bad things, at night I don't have any distractions and I can't not think about it and I do whatever I can to make that go away"
So now we are trying to set aside a chunk of daytime for her to do things that are all about her birth family. Yesterday before supper, she got out markers and paper and drew pictures of her sad cat who missed her, her old house that was upset because it missed her family and an upside down little girl - because that is how she feels right now.
Wow.
Last night, she did managed to stay in her own room.
Yeah, yeah, I know that there will be more stuff coming down the pike, but I am going to savour this moment for a little while.
Wow.
What a kid.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Stump the Mom!
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!
Yes!
There is our exciting theme music and that means it is time once again for North America's best loved game show:
STOMP, ER, STUMP THE MOM!
Today:
She is adorable and she is 8 and why yes, she does have trauma from having been left to the indifferent mercies of the fostercare system ("awwwwwwwww") and yet...
does this mean that she should continually get up in the middle of the night and go into her brother's room to wake him up, laugh and giggle and jump around?
Mom says: No!
Child says: well, nothing but she sure is cute the way she tilts her head and innocently blinks her large eyes.
So far Mom has stomped loudly and nearly naked into brother's room, stating loudly that "you are in such trouble now!" then slightly more quietly turned out nightlights, turned on hall light (because nightlights are not there for ambient lighting for personal parties at 1:30am) and insisted that "you guys had better go to sleep right now, I don't want to hear it, I love you! Good night!"
Not sure if volume or near nudity was the most effective, perhaps was hair and condition of face.
Fast forward to this morning.
Mom cannot finish her work out because her back is spasming when she starts trying to figure out how to handle the whole thing.
Still haven't figured it out.
Back is still a mess.
Youngest children have been fed and are entertaining themselves, individually in their rooms.
Score so far:
Mom is stumped.
Yes!
There is our exciting theme music and that means it is time once again for North America's best loved game show:
STOMP, ER, STUMP THE MOM!
Today:
She is adorable and she is 8 and why yes, she does have trauma from having been left to the indifferent mercies of the fostercare system ("awwwwwwwww") and yet...
does this mean that she should continually get up in the middle of the night and go into her brother's room to wake him up, laugh and giggle and jump around?
Mom says: No!
Child says: well, nothing but she sure is cute the way she tilts her head and innocently blinks her large eyes.
So far Mom has stomped loudly and nearly naked into brother's room, stating loudly that "you are in such trouble now!" then slightly more quietly turned out nightlights, turned on hall light (because nightlights are not there for ambient lighting for personal parties at 1:30am) and insisted that "you guys had better go to sleep right now, I don't want to hear it, I love you! Good night!"
Not sure if volume or near nudity was the most effective, perhaps was hair and condition of face.
Fast forward to this morning.
Mom cannot finish her work out because her back is spasming when she starts trying to figure out how to handle the whole thing.
Still haven't figured it out.
Back is still a mess.
Youngest children have been fed and are entertaining themselves, individually in their rooms.
Score so far:
Mom is stumped.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Snow on the roof
The garage is still unfinished.
For the sake of myself, I am not going to even go there as to why we are in the first week of November and have a garage with half of a roof on it...I probably will some other time but I won't right now....
So, our guy is supposed to come over, four minutes ago by my clock and probably try and convince me that it is totally safe for him to prance around up there in the slippy stuff bodily dragging heavy 4 x 8 sheets of strand board -
There are reasons NOT to hire a friend to work for you.
******
My back is a tiny bit less spasmy today, we are seeing the counselor tomorrow and the husband, younger children and I are visiting with the semi-delinquint birth brother this afternoon.
What with him being out of the pokey and all and staying in yet another lovey motel with a special ambiance, all of its own - Johns are so colourful after all - and no I haven't done anything like talk to the minister of social services about it yet - there was a big expose in the paper a few months ago about it and I expected that to have an effect ....
it didn't.
Did I mention the big doofus pulled a knife on a police officer?
While under the influence of drugs of course.
La la la la la la la la la la la....
must eat lunch, am on Weight Watchers online so no meetings for me and yes, I think I signed up because during the visit with my Mom - she commented on how I get being heavy and big from my Dad's side of the family.
Argh.
For the sake of myself, I am not going to even go there as to why we are in the first week of November and have a garage with half of a roof on it...I probably will some other time but I won't right now....
So, our guy is supposed to come over, four minutes ago by my clock and probably try and convince me that it is totally safe for him to prance around up there in the slippy stuff bodily dragging heavy 4 x 8 sheets of strand board -
There are reasons NOT to hire a friend to work for you.
******
My back is a tiny bit less spasmy today, we are seeing the counselor tomorrow and the husband, younger children and I are visiting with the semi-delinquint birth brother this afternoon.
What with him being out of the pokey and all and staying in yet another lovey motel with a special ambiance, all of its own - Johns are so colourful after all - and no I haven't done anything like talk to the minister of social services about it yet - there was a big expose in the paper a few months ago about it and I expected that to have an effect ....
it didn't.
Did I mention the big doofus pulled a knife on a police officer?
While under the influence of drugs of course.
La la la la la la la la la la la....
must eat lunch, am on Weight Watchers online so no meetings for me and yes, I think I signed up because during the visit with my Mom - she commented on how I get being heavy and big from my Dad's side of the family.
Argh.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
When are you guys going to see the marriage counsellor?
My oldest son just asked me that.
The question that is the title of this post.
So, to review:
-my mother: she lives much closer to us now - only a twelve hour drive in a minivan stuffed with two adults, two surly teenagers, two seriously freaked out ptsd tweens and two dachshunds (and by the way a minivan is called mini because there is no space for crazy stuff like oh say, luggage - and wants us to visit and so we did in mid October and my back has in spasms ever since.
-church has been a source of stress- there are nice people and good things happening but I seem to keep tripping into the pools of serious, whacked out dysfunctionality and I think I am at the end of my rope, very nearly.
I lead a youth group and the theme this year is "What do you stand for?" and I know I'm in trouble because I keep asking myself that question and coming up kind of empty when it comes to me in the church.
-home has been one too (oldest doesn't want to talk about growing up because it overwhelms him, elder daughter is in the throes of intense and worrying angst over everything and doesn't like leaving the house at all, younger son can be sooooooooooo unfocused and is entering the just because I used to think it was cool doesn't mean I do anymore phase of life and then there is the youngest, melting and refreezing ice princess)
-homefront 2: (husband, workaholism and huge changes on his work front) and that has meant many tears and frustrations and misunderstanding on both sides but we are going to see a counsellor, obviously...and no...this will not (hopefully) become a marriage as slowmotion train wreck blog - although it would probably increase readership!
-and finally, people keep driving into me!
Geez Louise! First someone drives smack into the back of my van smashing our stryofoam bumper and gutting themself on our trailer hitch, that was a month ago and then today some seriously stupid weeeeeeenie changes lanes into the back side of the van and then drives away!
Pass the muscle relaxant, please!
BTW 3 down.
-
The question that is the title of this post.
So, to review:
-my mother: she lives much closer to us now - only a twelve hour drive in a minivan stuffed with two adults, two surly teenagers, two seriously freaked out ptsd tweens and two dachshunds (and by the way a minivan is called mini because there is no space for crazy stuff like oh say, luggage - and wants us to visit and so we did in mid October and my back has in spasms ever since.
-church has been a source of stress- there are nice people and good things happening but I seem to keep tripping into the pools of serious, whacked out dysfunctionality and I think I am at the end of my rope, very nearly.
I lead a youth group and the theme this year is "What do you stand for?" and I know I'm in trouble because I keep asking myself that question and coming up kind of empty when it comes to me in the church.
-home has been one too (oldest doesn't want to talk about growing up because it overwhelms him, elder daughter is in the throes of intense and worrying angst over everything and doesn't like leaving the house at all, younger son can be sooooooooooo unfocused and is entering the just because I used to think it was cool doesn't mean I do anymore phase of life and then there is the youngest, melting and refreezing ice princess)
-homefront 2: (husband, workaholism and huge changes on his work front) and that has meant many tears and frustrations and misunderstanding on both sides but we are going to see a counsellor, obviously...and no...this will not (hopefully) become a marriage as slowmotion train wreck blog - although it would probably increase readership!
-and finally, people keep driving into me!
Geez Louise! First someone drives smack into the back of my van smashing our stryofoam bumper and gutting themself on our trailer hitch, that was a month ago and then today some seriously stupid weeeeeeenie changes lanes into the back side of the van and then drives away!
Pass the muscle relaxant, please!
BTW 3 down.
-
Friday, November 2, 2007
birthday brief
Our oldest daughter turned fourteen today.
She is taller than I am, and probably smarter too.
I dragged her unwillingly to Old Navy, she doesn't like to shop, because she was in dire need of jeans to fit her long legs.
We are watching The Addams Family on dvd, she has just finished off a bag of bacon flavoured potato chips and is fiddling with her new ipod nano.
Not bad.
She is taller than I am, and probably smarter too.
I dragged her unwillingly to Old Navy, she doesn't like to shop, because she was in dire need of jeans to fit her long legs.
We are watching The Addams Family on dvd, she has just finished off a bag of bacon flavoured potato chips and is fiddling with her new ipod nano.
Not bad.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Desperately Seeking Words
About NaBloPoMo
Post every day for the month of November. That's all you have to do.
Yeah.
All I have to do.
Post every day for the month of November.
I don't even get to brush my teeth every day!
It has been really busy.
Sitting in the midst of piles of paperwork, some kids in therapy, another waiting for me to get on the ball and book her into her own therapy, dogs have shots and exams overdue....
stay tuned ....
I'm supposed to be back by tomorrow at the latest!
Participating in
NaBlahBlahBlahPoMo
Post every day for the month of November. That's all you have to do.
Yeah.
All I have to do.
Post every day for the month of November.
I don't even get to brush my teeth every day!
It has been really busy.
Sitting in the midst of piles of paperwork, some kids in therapy, another waiting for me to get on the ball and book her into her own therapy, dogs have shots and exams overdue....
stay tuned ....
I'm supposed to be back by tomorrow at the latest!
Participating in
NaBlahBlahBlahPoMo
Thursday, October 4, 2007
I had a good title for this....
But that was before I was fully awake, I think.
Right now I think we may be past the hump of all the things that start up at this time of the year.
Although we homeschool all the time, we do a lot less of the scheduled classes and outings in the summer and that makes for quite a change to get used too.
Where are all the words that I had for this post?
Honest they were right there just a few seconds ago...maybe they are with the library book I can't find. At least they are not going to cost ten cents a day.
Ooops, hang on a minute...I think I was going to divide what I was going to say into different categories and then post them separately over the next days to make it look like I was being a thoughtful and industrious sort.
Yeah, maybe I will try that:
Workaholism.
Right now we are in the calm after the binge.
Sounds weird doesn't it. My referring to that kind of thing as a binge.
Having lived with my Dad, the raging alcolholic, I think it is a reasonable description.
See, my husband, the lovely and lovable Cabana Boy, has been trained up since he was a wee lad to believe that,
a) he just didn't work hard enough
and
b) any success he had, didn't count, because he didn't work hard enough for it.
My husband has an interest in mathematics and science, so if you don't understand how his mind works, you might think that of thing comes to him easily, that he doesn't have to put any effort into it.
That is what my father in law believed and he made sure that Cabana Boy knew it.
In grade school Cabana Boy brought home a math test with a mark of 96%. His father looked at it, then at him, and demanded to know what had happened to the "other" 4%.
Cabana Boy's older brother was often held up as being "more respectable" because he actually had to work for his marks.
His younger brother was given a 6 week trip to Europe (with his girlfriend) as a congraluatory gift for finishing his first and only degree.
When I met Cabana Boy, he was a graduate student in engineering, he kept a sleeping bag and toiletries at the University because he often slept there overnight while working on his research.
This was a warning sign.
Shortly after we were married he began to move rapidly up the ranks of the company he was in.
Then the travel started.
Frequent business trips.
Working later, starting earlier.
The laptop coming home and being used in the evenings for work.
Then the cel phone.
Now it is a cel phone with web and email access.
Me?
As I watched him pull away, (because there is no way to work that hard without taking the time and energy away from other things, and I was the other things)...
I tried to adjust to it, understand it, talk about it and to be reasonable about it.
That worked about as well as the being unreasonable about it - crying, yelling, threatening, raging and withdrawing.
And if it has always been only one way, then we would never would have lasted as long as we have.
I don't think he could have lasted as long either.
The saying "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" could be amended to say that "All work and no play makes C.B. a stressed out boy with heart palpitations, tension racked body and exhaustion."
The times in between the binges are good.
Really good.
But I would like us break free of that cycle.
And maybe we are.
Or, rather he is.
Because just like the working so much isn't about me, the not working so much isn't about me either.
He sees that there is a problem.
He has called himself a workaholic, publicly.
He is trying to makes some changes.
I'm not kidding myself.
But I am looking (tentatively) forward to a possibly different future with a happier, more relaxed spouse (maybe).
No, this picture is not meant to represent the state of my marriage - this is what our garage looked like on Friday.
Don't worry, not a tornado or freak accident - just a rotting, sunken building that had to be pulled down before it fell down.
Hopefully I will be able to post pictures of a new garage before the spring..
Right now I think we may be past the hump of all the things that start up at this time of the year.
Although we homeschool all the time, we do a lot less of the scheduled classes and outings in the summer and that makes for quite a change to get used too.
Where are all the words that I had for this post?
Honest they were right there just a few seconds ago...maybe they are with the library book I can't find. At least they are not going to cost ten cents a day.
Ooops, hang on a minute...I think I was going to divide what I was going to say into different categories and then post them separately over the next days to make it look like I was being a thoughtful and industrious sort.
Yeah, maybe I will try that:
Workaholism.
Right now we are in the calm after the binge.
Sounds weird doesn't it. My referring to that kind of thing as a binge.
Having lived with my Dad, the raging alcolholic, I think it is a reasonable description.
See, my husband, the lovely and lovable Cabana Boy, has been trained up since he was a wee lad to believe that,
a) he just didn't work hard enough
and
b) any success he had, didn't count, because he didn't work hard enough for it.
My husband has an interest in mathematics and science, so if you don't understand how his mind works, you might think that of thing comes to him easily, that he doesn't have to put any effort into it.
That is what my father in law believed and he made sure that Cabana Boy knew it.
In grade school Cabana Boy brought home a math test with a mark of 96%. His father looked at it, then at him, and demanded to know what had happened to the "other" 4%.
Cabana Boy's older brother was often held up as being "more respectable" because he actually had to work for his marks.
His younger brother was given a 6 week trip to Europe (with his girlfriend) as a congraluatory gift for finishing his first and only degree.
When I met Cabana Boy, he was a graduate student in engineering, he kept a sleeping bag and toiletries at the University because he often slept there overnight while working on his research.
This was a warning sign.
Shortly after we were married he began to move rapidly up the ranks of the company he was in.
Then the travel started.
Frequent business trips.
Working later, starting earlier.
The laptop coming home and being used in the evenings for work.
Then the cel phone.
Now it is a cel phone with web and email access.
Me?
As I watched him pull away, (because there is no way to work that hard without taking the time and energy away from other things, and I was the other things)...
I tried to adjust to it, understand it, talk about it and to be reasonable about it.
That worked about as well as the being unreasonable about it - crying, yelling, threatening, raging and withdrawing.
And if it has always been only one way, then we would never would have lasted as long as we have.
I don't think he could have lasted as long either.
The saying "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" could be amended to say that "All work and no play makes C.B. a stressed out boy with heart palpitations, tension racked body and exhaustion."
The times in between the binges are good.
Really good.
But I would like us break free of that cycle.
And maybe we are.
Or, rather he is.
Because just like the working so much isn't about me, the not working so much isn't about me either.
He sees that there is a problem.
He has called himself a workaholic, publicly.
He is trying to makes some changes.
I'm not kidding myself.
But I am looking (tentatively) forward to a possibly different future with a happier, more relaxed spouse (maybe).
No, this picture is not meant to represent the state of my marriage - this is what our garage looked like on Friday.
Don't worry, not a tornado or freak accident - just a rotting, sunken building that had to be pulled down before it fell down.
Hopefully I will be able to post pictures of a new garage before the spring..
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