Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Sometimes you need to get away

Yesterday morning, I started to cry.

At my husband.

I just couldn't face the prospect of dealing with my youngest children again.

They have been so mentally disconnected and goofy, but not in a funny or charming way.
There are so many clumsy self inflicted injuries, unsafe choices, and really constant, irritating behaviours.

Monkey is sporting a big bruise on her face, right under her eye from where she ran into the door last week.

Looks and sounds REAL good, lemme tell ya.

I can't let them out of my sight.

In May, shortly after Buddy did so well on his babysitting course, I started letting the two of them go off to the park (literally 1/2 block from our house) on their own, with him in charge.
It worked out well, they were allowed to go for an hour or less, I often joined up with them, it was really nice.

Then it all went sideways about halfway through June.
They came home and Buddy was really carrying on about having bumped his hand while they were playing and how much it hurt. It was swollen up and bothered him for days. It took a while but what it came down to is that they were running way too fast, way too close to the playground structures and he thunked himself on one while doing this.

I knew I couldn't leave him in charge anymore at least for a while.

Their "anxious" behaviours jacked right up.
They had to know where I was going, for how long and why, on any errand, even if they didn't want to come with me. Buddy would often take issue with how long I planned on going and if I really needed to go where I said I was going!

Monkey's princess routine is in high def and I can't stand it.
She is constantly following me or staring at me.

Neither of them speak to me like I am another human to interact with but more like I am some kind of nursemaid, constantly asking for things, outings, events, food - even in the middle of doing other things.

I am not Mom.
I am MOM? Can I/we have/do......?

So I ran away.

With my husband's blessing.

I took my two oldest children and we went out to an office supply store, a drug store ( and bought candy and dvds) then out for lunch together and finally to a bookstore.

We were gone for about three hours and it was good.
I enjoyed them so much and they were so honestly pleased and happy to spend time with just me and they didn't ask me for anything!

Sunny said, "Thanks so much for this Mom, it has been over a year since we could spend time with just you."

A year is too long to wait till we do it again.

There was an aftermath of course with Buddy and Monkey.
But at least with Buddy it was a much better one than I thought it might be.

Before I left yesterday morning, I took a few minutes to talk to the two of them about why I was leaving and that I was coming back.

I also mentioned that I though some of what was going on with them was because it was almost the year anniversary since they had moved in and that they might be feeling really sad and missing their foster parents and family.

That seemed to help Buddy a lot and he cried and talked about those things. I also realized that Canada Day was a bit of trigger for him, because he really enjoyed the small town celebrations with his foster family and it was different for him this year.

Monkey on the other hand, is a much tougher nut to crack.
She keeps score and she also keeps herself buttoned up very tightly when it comes to her emotions.
In a year, I have never heard her yell and never seen her lose her temper.
Sure I have seen her upset and angry but never out of control, not really.

Yesterday, we received a last minute invite to a summer party that a little girl she knows from church is having - and I don't think I feel like taking her most of the way across town to it.

Last night at 11pm she was playing with her beside lamp and then pretended to be asleep when Cabana Boy got up to check on what was going on and when I went in a moment later she was playing around again.

Now all I have to figure out is how to be aware of her behaviours, try and help modify them, all without giving her too much attention.

Easy peasy.

BTW I was also thinking about the "friendships" that she has and it is an eye opener to spend some time realizing that the little girls she plays with are far more like toys to be picked up and put down then people to phone and talk to and make playdates with and think about...sigh


ipodmomma said...

Monkey needs to be in control because so much in her life has been out of her hands...

I see this with Ted, and her life has been NOTHING like Monkey's. it could be that Monkey had this tendancy to be closed off and somewhat aloof and her childhood only exacerbated this.

when Ted is like that, it drives me a bit batty. she holds onto herself so tightly. for you with Monkey, there is so much more going on.

my thoughts and prayers are with you! you need to get away, need to take time with Sunny and Bunny; these are important things. I know you love Buddy and Monkey; it's not about that.

it's about needing space and time to process, because you need things for you, to make you happy so that you can be in a good place to be there for all your kids...

Lionmom said...

thinking of you! I'm glad your husband understood your need to get away.

Yondalla said...

I'm glad you are getting away.

My visiting princess is going home tonight (hurrah!).

I also get exhausted by the monitoring. I understand why kids who have been abandoned do it, but geez, it's tough to live with.

I've though about getting tracking on their phones, but maybe I should get it on mine so the kids can see where I am all the time