5 am is not the time I was planning on doing anything other than sleeping but in the last few weeks sleep is becoming a rather precious commodity for me and I am not sure how I am going to fix it.
My youngest daughter was just in to tell me about her bad dream where a "creature came in our house and none of the dogs noticed and you got killed".
This is the first time that she has articulated a fear of me dying.
Don't know where this will take us or for how long it will last.
I am hoping like Hell that this is a good sign, that she is processing stuff that she hasn't ever really had a chance to process and it will ultimately be for the good but it is just too hard to predict.
A lot of this is triggered by seeing their brother.
We had a good visit with him on Tuesday night - he is in a mental health facility being evaluated before his next court date and he looks good. He gets enough food and he is back on some medication that helps him even out impulse control and he gets to go outside and he gets to do other things like that.
It's hard though.
Knowing that we can't take him home and make it all better for all three of them.
It is a very clear pattern for him to crash and burn or cut and run from his past placements and if that happened with us it could be disastrous for their relationship.
I talk about it with my two, so at least it is out there and not hidden away festering in the back of their minds. At least I hope it isn't.
So we will do what we can.
Keep up the visits, try and work through and support the feelings of loss and abandonment and lack of control and help him in everyway we can.
Trying to always be aware and prepared that it can all go sideways at the drop of a hat.
I wish we had a magic wand and a crystal ball.
Barring that, I would like to get some seriously good sleep.