Monday, April 23, 2007

Which is harder?

I had an absolutely dismal run on Saturday.

So what? I can hear you saying - yeah, I know only crazy people run but that is okay because it means I qualify.

Anyway, as I was struggling along I got to thinking that maybe it is harder for me to function after a crisis has passed.

See, when things are going haywire, like my youngest daughter having trauma and behavioural acting out for weeks around her birthday - I am generally in the right mode.
Grumpy, unhappy and bewildered and tired but keeping it together just enough because there isn't an alternative.

After it has passed (or at least seemed too) then I become somewhat useless - maybe it is a recovery thing.

So about the running - no really I have a family/parent/possibly even adoption point and I am not just blathering on about it -
it has been a struggle to do.

Not because of the actual physical and time demands of the running itself but because I have been struggling with guilt.

The HOW-CAN-I-BE-SO-SELFISH kind of thing as to take the time away from my family just so I can do something for myself.

It is amazing how hard I have been on myself about it.

And I do know that it is intelligent to take care of myself and give myself some time outs from being immersed in my kids' lives and to let their Dad have some one on one time with them -
intellectually I know all that - but emotionally?
Not so much.

My kids seem to feel differently though.

The training I am doing is pretty time consuming.
I run everyday except for Monday and Friday and it is long distances which take me a long time and my kids are so supportive.

Even in the midst of their worst teenage angst/birthmother/origin etc. issues they don't bat an eye to cheer me on.

My youngest daughter even said to me last week:
When I'm a grown up woman, I'm going to be strong like you!"

Still getting goosebumps from that one.


Yondalla said...

I nominated you for a "Thinking Blogger Award" in my post:

The participation rules are simple:
1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

(I don't know enough html to put hyperlinks into a comment, so you will have to cut and paste to get to my post and the to the originating post mentioned in #2)

ipodmomma said...

wonderful what youngest said... and he's so right! I know it's difficult to separate oneself from the kids, especially the smaller ones. but what I have learned is that as they age, they become their own person, really and truly. and we still love them, but cannot live for them.

and it is VERY HARD to get that through my head!

abebech said...

Your kids are learning so much from your committment to running! I'm so glad your youngest said that to you. No doubt they will learn strength and perseverence from you.