Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Ice, Ice Baby

My youngest daughter is, without a doubt, gorgeous.

She is a child that anybody would want to adopt.
An adorable, little girl.
Cuddly and cute and giggles and occasionally lisps or rounds her words in such a sweet way.

Then, you get to know her.

Oh so slowly.

The layers peel away and you find the frozen core at the middle.

Stiff with fear, rage and mistrust.

Oh my poor little baby.
How I wish I could fix it.

No, your Mama shouldn't have ever left you.
Yes, your Foster Mom should have come and gotten you.

Addictions and age and laws and everything else aside, you are right, it is a parent's job to stay with you and come get you if you are taken away.

I do see how you can look at me with such distrust.
I do understand how you can see me as such a threat to your emotional safety.

I am all about trying to break through those defenses of yours and you already know what happens when someone who says they are your Mom gets inside your heart.
They break it.
And no reason is good enough to make it okay that they did it.

And nothing I say or do on this green earth is going to make you trust me.
That is going to take time and sometimes I am afraid there isn't enough of it for that to happen.

How can it take me 9 long months to figure out that it isn't a cognitive issue that you don't seem to know how to play by yourself?
You are afraid of being alone with your thoughts!

You can't sleep at night because you don't know what to do when there isn't a distraction from all that thinking and feeling!

I'm in for the long haul kid.
Even if inside you CAN'T know it.

And I'm fumbling in the dark trying to figure out what is the next right thing to do for you, minute to minute.

Sometimes I get so ******* tired of it, of doing it wrong of taking steps forward and then seeing it all slide backwards and I will yell or withdraw a bit.

That is me.
But I am like a pendulum, I keep swinging back...

Just try a teeny bit, okay?

I know you already are.
Coming and telling me when you can't sleep, hoping that I can and will help you, is a move in the right direction...
I hope...


Mary said...

It takes lots of time; our 9-year-old has been with us for four years now and he's still dealing with anxiety, sleep deprivation, and trust issues. I'll keep you in my thoughts!

ipodmomma said...

yup, that's it in a nutshell...

she's so lucky to have you and you her... time, it seems to take FOREVER!!!

thinking of you all...

Granny said...

Oh God.

I almost never cry; usually I just seethe.

This post did it.

Sunshine said...

I'm glad I found you.

Thanks for this post. It's the same with my girls.

I know this about them, and my heart goes out to them because of it, but it's so hard to deal with day to day.