Confessions

It is hot, I am sticky and probably wracked with PMS.

I say probably, because of course, I never think I am, all my mood swings and deep offenses that I take, all seem perfectly valid to me.

And I am thinking, at least a little bit, with a part of my mind that is in the back of my head - about Yondalla's post
wherein she says this brilliant thing about reacting to our kids when we are upset with them:
"It can feel strange though, because it also defuses me. In dealing with it that way I am cutting off my own opportunity to rant and yell at them. I am not telling them how angry and disappointed I am that they have lied or done whatever they have done. They know though.

Now it is good that it defuses me. Not escalating, simply imposing consequences is a good thing, but it can still feel strange. It feels like there is this other part of me that wants to yell, or at least lecture, dying to get out."

Oh how I struggle with this.

There are many, many times when I am a appropriate and more than adequate and react (or don't react) in just the right way to diffuse a situation.
I know how to do it.
I have practiced how to do it.
But sometimes, I prefer the yelling and screaming.

At least that is the way it seems.

Because prefer isn't the right word.
Intellectually and emotionally I do not enjoy it, but it is in some ways, a comfortable and familiar choice - because it is how I was parented.

Because sometimes I do take it personally, I do feel hurt and I do want to get some of my own back.

Oh the humanity.

It occurs to me, as I write this, that maybe why I slip into it more these days than ever before is because my two youngest kids evoke so strongly that time and place of my own childhood.

Maybe it is my own post traumatic stress disorder reaction.

Which is not to excuse what I do, when I make these dreadful and thankfully, temporary blunders.

Rather it is to help me keep finding my way.
Keep holding on to myself.

I need that.
Because all my kids need me.
I have to be strong and smart and help them, all of them, find their way.

Tough things lately, besides the birthday meltdown last night (btw a very happy birthday to my darling husband - oh my heart, how I love you!):

-Monkey plaintively telling me that she wished the view out her window was as nice as mine. This irritates me because we both look out onto the same backyard, she got to choose which bedroom she wanted because Buddy would only defer to her, and because her sister who had that room before her, used to love the view out that window with the tree full of birds outside.
What Monkey said she saw was only "dog poop".
Is better now, but took a while, and there have been a few other incidents that revolve around the "poor me" attitude.

-My oldest Sunny, needs some more time and attention. Even sixteen year old boys need that parent time and I must find a way to have some with him. Perhaps tomorrow evening would be a good time to try and go for an icecream together.

Good things:
-great days at the pool and the park. Oldest daughter is having a friend sleep over and it is going well for both of them, I think. This is her first in years and is very exciting.