Thursday, January 31, 2008

Yeah.

I am still in my pajamas!
It is one minute before noon.
They are pink flannel pajamas with cows and moons on them, the shirt part has a cartoon cow with a night cap on and the words Pasture Bedtime on it.

Three of my kids are in the basement playroom.
I have no idea what they are doing, except that a moment ago, Oldest Son came up and said, "Hey, OD and YS are bonding in the basement."
After turning that over in my head carefully to make sure that he hadn't said that there was "bondage" going on - I said "Oh...is that a good thing?".

He gave me a weird look and said that yeah of course it was and then back down he went.

The fourth kid, YD is on the computer playing something, I'm not sure what and I really don't know if I am going to go and check, and has been for an hour.

I have done absolutely no working out, but I did eat a delicious poached egg on toast with a goat cheese bechamel sauce, and I have no plans to make lunch anytime soon.

It is oddly contenting (I know I made it up and no it doesn't mean camping with convicts) to know that I have nothing to do for the rest of the day.

Okay, yeah the kid's bathroom upstairs really does need some work but I don't actually have to leave the house until about 5:45pm.

Ahhhhhhhh.

I don't actually want to think about going out tonight.
In keeping with my theme of all glamour all the time, my husband and I have an appointment with our marriage counsellor - wooohoooo.
It's been going okay, at least up until the last session two weeks ago.
During which the therapist got all "you are a traumatized person" on me.

Like, I know - I was the one who told her.
I've done the tour - out patient, month long every day intensive group therapy, followed up with 7 months of weekly one on one.
Been there and relived that and it isn't the kind of thing that you forget.

Besides what being a traumatized person has to do with me talking about something that my husband does that drives me crazy - other than make me feel that what I am saying isn't valid and that everything that goes wrong in our relationship is all my fault - I don't know.

Seriously though it knocked me for a loop and hard.

I know a fair amount about who I am and why.

I don't like people touching me, unless I really know them and feel we have a trusting relationship.
I don't deal well with being startled by loud noises or being bumped into, it takes a huge amount of control to manage my flight or fight impulses in those cases.
I NEVER want to live that life of being powerless and victimized, ever again.

I also want everyone to like me and I want to make everyone happy and I want to inspect everything and every interaction completely and exhaustively to make sure that I am not the cause of other people's unhappiness. I am way too hard on myself because I think that somehow being perfect or as close to it as possible will give me some sort of a sense of control over my life. Which I know is artificial but that is where it is at.

7 comments:

Ampersand said...

jesus.

you're singing my song.

"I don't like people touching me, unless I really know them and feel we have a trusting relationship.
I don't deal well with being startled by loud noises or being bumped into, it takes a huge amount of control to manage my flight or fight impulses in those cases."

yep. I even have to sleep alone.

(Well I did not start out that way, but my husband's snoring help me find out how much better I like sleeping ALL ALONE.)

but as broken as we are, we're also beautiful...because we're still here and still trying to love and be loved, even as unevenly as we may do that.

wow. I just can't get over this connection.

peace, sister.

Carmel said...

I too relate to what you are saying. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one.
It's odd the lengths we go to try to control our enviroment. It can almost seem OCD at times.

ipm said...

what is it that you fear most by not being in control?

is it being vulnerable to past trauma, worried it will be revisited... is it feeling that if caught off guard those previous hurts can embed themselves within your life once again?

I used to hate the one responsible for all my insecurities and then I realized, over a LONG period of time, that I had to let it go. not just the person, but the hatred and fear. it took AGES, and the loss of someone very loved. but the biggest gift I ever got was the one I never expected.

I learned how to forgive and to walk away, to leave it behind. I couldn't carry that agony any longer. and when I finally did...

there came peace... which I wish and pray for you this night...

concretegodmother said...

lord, your breakfast sounded wonderful! you made goat cheese bechamel that early in the morning? gawdess indeed!

and i fully appreciated your wordplay. con-tenting. hahahaha! the english teacher is tickled.

i have to be honest; i have never been the victim of any serious trauma, and most less serious traumas i've endured have been at least partly of my own making. that said, i get where you're coming from on the perfectionism thing, on the hyperanalytical thing, on the my-own-worst-critic thing.

i second ampersand wholeheartedly. you are a beautiful soul. being new to this blog, i've only read back a few months so far, but it's been enough to give evidence to your incredible capacity for love. pretty cool. your kids are lucky.

KLee said...

I think it takes a very strong person not only to survive past trauma, but to relive it AND STILL function.

I know from personal experience that I can function up to a certain point, and after that, I detach.

It seems to me that you're managing, and quite well at that, to not only survive, but to spend time with those you love, and try and make yourself and those around you happier. That's got to count for something.

I'm a touchy-feely person. I grew up with huggers, and have always been a very demonstrative person. I married a non-toucher, so I became well aware that not everyone was like me. I can certainly understand where past trauma can make you more leery of personal contact. I had some of that after my incident.

I feel just like you in regard to wanting everyone to like me, and trying to keep everyone happy. I don't shoot for sheer perfection in myself, but I do tend to over-analyze my role in things, and in other people's reactions to me. I'm also my own worst critic. What others see as talents of mine, I am not quite so praise-worthy towards.

I think ampersand's comment: "but as broken as we are, we're also beautiful...because we're still here and still trying to love and be loved, even as unevenly as we may do that," was wonderful and said it so much better that I could articulate right now.

Scrivener said...

I relate entirely to the last paragraph you wrote, and I relate to the pargraph before it in the sense that I have completely inverted it--I've responded to my childhood neglect and abuse by really wanting the assurance that comes from physical contact. Of course, then I went and, like klee, married a non-toucher who is terrified of intimacy and then spent ten years wondering why she could never love me. I kept wondering why she could never appreciate anything I did, and responded by being harder on myself and trying to do more. That dynamic worked out really well, too.

Maia said...

Thanks for writing. I used to read your old blog and just found this one. I appreciate reading about your experiences, both as a trauma survivor and as a mom!